Best Actress, Drama
Tatiana Maslany, Orphan Black
This is so stupidly obvious that I won’t even explain it. The dance party scene at the end of season two was one of the best things on TV this year. I also would have accepted Keri Russell for The Americans.
Best Actor, Drama
Timothy Oliphant, Justified
Next year I’ll be saying that Jon Hamm and Elisabeth Moss should win their categories for the last season of Mad Men, so this year, Justified’s penultimate, is a make-up win for Oliphant, one so overdue that we have to take a deep breath and remind ourselves that entertainment awards aren’t based on actual artistic merit, just politics and routine and who won last year and who has the most friends in the voting body. Raylan Givens is the coolest, sexiest, funniest guy in the county. He outsmarts you right and left until your only option is to try to outdraw him in a firefight. Which you can’t. Which is why you’re dead. As for the actual nominees (snore), True Detective is embarrassingly in love with itself, Walter White was markedly less interesting once he finished breaking bad, The Newsroom sucks, and it’s genuinely worrying that otherwise rational adults apparently think House of Cards is anything other than a weeknight show on TNT. To anyone who objects, pointing out that Timothy Oliphant was previously nominated for Justified and didn’t win, I say 1) shut up, and 2) fine, then where’s Matthew Rhys for The Americans?
Supporting Actress, Drama
Joanne Froggatt, Downton Abbey
Not only is she one of the best parts of Downton Abbey, she also has to put up with Bates. Come to think of it, she probably deserves some sort of royal commendation.
Supporting Actor, Drama
Year after year they keep nominating Jim Carter and year after year they keep forgetting to give him the statue. It’s time for Mr. Carson to get some love. Mrs. Hughes knows what’s up.
Anything but House of Cards or Game of Thrones or True Detective. The prospect of what winning an Emmy would do to the inside of Nic Pizzolatto’s brain is scarier than anything he’s come up with.
The Americans is the best drama on TV. Remember the last show you didn’t watch until you finally did because I nagged you and you were all like “wow, I can’t believe it took me so long to watch that—you, Josh, are a true American hero, unlike the characters on The Americans”? The Americans is that show right now.
Best Actress, Comedy
An Emmy isn’t enough for Amy Poehler. Leslie Knope deserves to have a park in the real world named after her.
Best Actor, Comedy
William H Macy. Shameless Shameless Shameless. Have you watched it? You should watch it.
Supporting Actress, Comedy
Kate McKinnon is great, but my heart is with Anna Chlumsky for making tightly-wound so very funny.
Supporting Actor, Comedy
Let’s be serious. Fred Armisen. Let’s be serious.
Definitely Silicon Valley for the nominated episode’s incredible titular math thing. (Model? Equation? It’s really not important, just youtube that scene when you aren’t at work.)
Broad City has been my favorite thing about 2014 so far.
All the Miniseries Categories
Billy Bob Thornton *was* season one of Fargo (sorry, Colin Hanks), though Martin Freeman’s hair in the last episode was pretty fly. Sherlock doesn’t need to be nominated for anything, least of all anything Steven Moffat wrote. Treme should win something! Don’t forget how easy it is for you to watch all four of Treme’s short, excellent seasons now that it’s over. Man, Treme is good.
Main Title Design
Of these choices, Silicon Valley. In the same way that most movies should be 90 minutes or less, most main titles should be 10 seconds or less. (Shout-out to True Blood’s awesome and very long opening credits. RIP True Blood. Jason Stackhouse forever.)